Nope, not anymore.
I'm done.

Maybe one day.

I just hope one day you will realise and understand. 

If only you see the good in me and appreciates me more. 

But I guess if ever that day arrives, it will all be too late. 

Just when you thought.

"If a person wants to be part of your life, they will make an obvious effort to do so. Think twice before reserving a space in your heart for people who do not make an effort to stay. "
I tried to stay. But you're just doing everything to push me away. 

I can't blame you. 
Because what we are now, or whatever we are now, I don't even feel as though I got the rights to ever bother. To even care when you take my every words as a joke.

I stop when it hurts. 
I run away when I have no idea what to do anymore. 
Just when you thought being attached gives you everything. 
How you can just run to that person when you need them. 
But who knows it can feels so the opposite?
Till you have to find all kinds of distraction to make yourself forget that you ever need them. 
That no matter how tired you're gonna be, you need that little bit of distractions to stop feeling. No matter how hard it is, you rather not feel at all. 
You go out alone sometimes just to feel sorry for yourself. 
Is love suppose to be like that? 
Because people once told me, love doesn't hurts. 
But why does it hurt so much now? 

Please.

Don't make me expect. 
Don't lead me on. 
Don't leave me hanging and stop hurting me. 

During that night when I pick up your call, I should have known it will come down to this. 
I don't even know what are we, or what am I doing. 
I just let it go, as though this one month of dwelling, wondering, hurting didn't happen. 
How I even promised myself that I'm never gonna put myself in this situation anymore. That this is the last time I'm going back to you. 
I wonder how you do it. 
It's like one piece of my heart is ripe out, and it will forever be a part of me that stays with you, that I can never take it back nor to just forget about it. 
Because I really tried moving on. To try my very best to stop thinking about you. 
I can't take another heartbreak, I don't even dare to imagine how life's gonna be like if we're back together. The constant fighting, the constant tears, anger and jealousy I have to swallow every single day. The loneliness I have to feel, even when we are together. 
I told you it hurts. But do you even care just a little bit? 
Bevause I have no idea why you still want me back when you know everything's gonna be the same, that nothing's gonna change. 
Don't get why you even wanna tell me about that new girl that you like.. To make me jealous? To prove that I still care or are you seriously just confused?  Think about it from my prospective, if I'm the one telling you about the new boy that I like, even if it's just a crush, how would that make you feel? 
If you don't bother, if you still don't care, tell me, because I can't take this another time. 
I will always be a person with flaws. I will always be someone who can't accept that part of you even when I should. Because I will never understand. So think about it, because things ain't that simpler, that you made a phone call and tell me how much you miss me, everything will be alright because it's not gonna be. 

How I wish you could look at me at how you look at them. 
How I wish you could say those words to me instead of telling some people who don't even know you said them. 
How I wish you care about me half as much as you cared about them. 
How I wish everyday, you tell me how pretty I smile and dress. 
How I wish I could be the one, that you look upon when you're sad or even when you're happy because I really really wanna be there for you. 
How I wish.. You love me as much as you love them. 

To say the truth, sometimes it just feels as though you know I will always be here. 
But I won't. 

The last day of being 18.

Being 18. 

It was a year of heartbreaks and new beginnings. 

An age whereby people change. 

What I wished for back when I was about to blow on the candles of my 18th birthday cake.,

"To be happy" 

Things certainly changed a lot this year. 

Especially us. 

For the past few years, you were still here. 

But who knows back then when I wished for you to always be here, you wouldn't be? 

Who knows I finally chose to give up even when I told myself ample of times that we will work somehow? 

Those promises made back then, gone just a second. 

That closure that we both need, still uncertain. 

But comparing this times with all the times in the past when we chose not to talk, this time it feels so final, as though it's really our last goodbye. 

No hope left, no turning back. 

I don't know whether it's for the best, I just hope that the decision that I make this time, is for the best. 

We both have our flaws, and don't think I'm not hurting everyday. 

Because it hurts to be still in love with the one that you give up in, to be reminded of you everyday, to still miss you every single minute. 

The worse thing is to have those random moments floating by your head all of the sudden, reminding you of those wonderful memories that is impossible to be forgotten, even forever. 

Even if it hurts, people move on. 

They say it will get easier, but I don't see myself getting anywhere. 

Perhaps I feel better, not having to be worried about things, not having to feel anything about you, not having to care. 

But there's always this part or me that can't stop thinking about you. 

Wondering why ain't you on your social network, wondering where you are, wondering will I get to see you, wondering whether you are thinking about me like I'm thinking about you. 

You have no idea how much it still hurts. 

I can only shamelessly admit that even though I'm the one that chose to give up on you, I still want you back and there will always be this part of me that wish that, you are still gonna fight for us, fight for me. 

In the past, we fight because we know after that everything will be okay. 

Perhaps, not this time. 

Got no idea how long I'm gonna stay like this, how long it takes to move on but I hope this time when I blow out the candle for my 19th birthday cake, it will be a new start, maybe a new start without you. 

And I will still wish for the same thing,

"To be happy"

To my 18 years old self, thank you. 

Thank you for being in love. 

Thank you for still being here. 

Truth hurts more than the lie.

The truth hurts more than the lie. 

For you to see somebody else just like me, having to know I look just like anybody to you, makes me feel as though I'm just like any others. 

So why does it hurts when I knew? 

To even move pass it to believe your words 
I wish you never assured me how I'm still yours. 
I wish I can just walk away from all of this and pretend again that everything's okay, that you don't hurt me one bit or affect me that much anymore. 
One part of me hated you for even bothering. 
But no matter how hard I tried to hide it, I can't hide that feeling of relieve.
Relieve that broke my wall down bringing me back to square one. 
When I know so well, that I never wanna go back. 

I can't and I wish I won't.

I'm heading back to that route I took years ago. 
The only difference right now compared to back then, I thought I changed. 
But did I? Will I? Can I? 
Because the things that you did that I can't stand back then, I still need that big part of me to withstand those feelings that I don't wanna feel. 
To be that bigger person. 
You just don't know don't you?
You thought our only problem lies with them, but have you ever wonder, whether the way we act, or the way you act, is the main thing? 
That part of me that wanted to lash out like I always do.. I still can't stop it. 
And you have no idea how it's still driving me crazy. 
But I can't. I don't want to feel this way anymore. . 
No matter how hard it is, the only thing I can do right now is to stop being that person I used to be. 
Because then, you will know,  
No matter how hard you tried, things won't go back to how it used to be anymore. 

People never did change.

Back then when we are together, we have nothing in common. 
The things we like, the things we do, the way we act. 
We were just 2 different person. 
That's why when we're together, we quarrel all the time. 
But, the only thing that held us together, it's that mutual feelings we have for each other. 

Right now when we are apart. 
The things we like, the things we do, the way we act never changed. 
The only difference right now is that we ain't together anymore. 
And that mutual feeling we have for each other, I'm not sure it's even there anymore. 
Because people never change. 
It's always that part of people that we always have to accept. 
No matter how hard it is. 

You know sometimes I wonder, how easy it is for you. 
Because i can never do that. 
How I envy that heartless side of you. 
Perhaps if I own that part of you, I'm sure all of this will be so much easier. 

All I can do right now, is to promise, to never do that again.  

That big scar.

Just when you decided to put your heart and soul to that one person. 

When it ended, it broke your heart that left a big scar reminding you that, you will never be good enough for anybody no matter how hard you tried, no matter how much you give. 

How fragile everything is, how much more you will feel for that one person. 

Because you let your whole world revolve around him and you can never stop. 

To never stop caring. 

But when he start hurting you, that physical pain will never be as big as those feelings you feel, when he broke your heart. 

We used to fight, to that extend I was so angry with you, so angry with myself. 

But no matter how angry I am with you, I still care. 

Just like no matter how apart we are right now, I still care. 

Even if you moved on, I still care about you. 

I still want you to be okay. 

As times goes by, even when we ain't together anymore.. 

I still wish sometimes, everyday everything will be the way it was back then. 

We can still always see each other, that we can still go back to how things used to be and I won't deny the fact that right now I still hope for all this things. 

But I can't.. I can't do that anymore.

In the past I anticipated because there's still hope. 

Now, it's just waiting for that empty hope to make myself feel better, to remind myself to stop. 

You know I'm wiling to try, I do. 
You know I will give anything up for you. 
But I can't do it alone anymore. 

Memories that you will never forget.

Do you still remember? 
Those times whereby those songs you sing always mean something to me.
Those times whereby we're actually really happy together. 
Those times whereby a hug makes everything feels a little bit better. 
Each day as I recall many of our memories, there's no doubt I miss all of them. 
Be it good or bad, it will always be that part of me that I can never forget. 

I can't promise you, things will be different or it's never gonna be the same anymore. 
But who doesn't wanna be happy? 
I miss those times, I miss you. 
Perhaps being apart, makes us a better person. 
But if I have the chance to ever see you again, I promise you, I will be better. 
I won't be that person again. 

Back then.

If back then we tried,

Will we still be together right now? 

Will we be better? 

Happier perhaps? 

Will things be different?

Another day without you. 
Having to miss and to think about. 

Try sleeping with a broken heart.

Nobody say it was easy, 

nobody say it would be this hard. 

It's such a shame for us to part. 

The day I will finally understand, is the day I stop trying to figure out everything. 

Another day thinking about you. 

Another day wondering, when will I stop. 

Another day wishing, I could.  

You move on, people move on. 

It's that thought that hurts what you realise you're still stuck here everyday. 

Every night, I always find a way to make it without you. 

By holding on to the times we had. 

By reminding myself, it's really goodbye. 

Try sleeping with a broken heart. 

Lingering on.

As usual I was awake.

Holding to that hope every night. 

Your text and that call you made to me that night, meant a lot to me even if you told me you can't remember anything that day. 

Believe it or not, when I saw that text I knew. 

When I got your call, I knew you won't remember what I said or even what you said then. 

Though I remembered everything. 

Though I meant what I said. 

Well .. Not that your words then will bring us anywhere, but it really meant something to me. 

Becauss it's things, I haven't heard for a very long time. 

Words I never knew, still affect me that much. 

Words, you don't remember anymore. 

It's kinda unfair. 

For you to call out of the blue and to say those words.  

But the next morning, you forget about them. 

And that left me, the only one to know, with words that linger. 

For you to start talking to me and then the next day, you stop. 

Yes, I think about you everyday. 

It took me hard enough to resist my temptation to contact you, to ever disturb what we built over these few months. 

But there's just some of the days when I just can't get by myself. 

Though once the conversation ends I regretted even starting one. 

Because it only makes me miss you more. 

How life's gonna be if we're still together, I wonder about it everyday. 

Love, the most brutal thing in the world.

In life, you just don't always get what you want. 

I love you. 
We used to always use that 3 words. 
Used to always reassure each other that, we are more than what we ever wanted. 
More than you have wanted anything else in your life to become a part of you. 

After so long, so long of being apart. 
To not regret, I kept holding on to that fact that as long as you're still here, even if we're apart, everything's gonna be okay, I will feel better. 
To believe, as long as you're still here, there will still be that hope that you will come back 
In my mind I keep loving you or wish you could keep loving. 

But i can’t keep you here anymore. I tried. I failed. 
Perhaps I'm the one who should be accepting that it won't work anymore. Everyday having to lie to myself thinking if you're still here, somehow, it's gonna work but till now I realise, I'm the one holding you back. 

No matter how hard you want things to work, things sometimes simply won’t work.
You always say to go find someone that is better than you. 
You always say that. 

I miss you, I miss us. 
Remember those times back at home when you always waited for me outside the door while I shower? 
That anticipation that you did. To know you did. 
At times whereby you always hug me close, times whereby you made me feel safe.  
We were once happy you know. 

What become of us now? 

As time goes by, we will constantly be reminded of all this memories, which will comstantly hunt us, till as long as we take to forget each other. 

But will we ever forget? 

Hate.

I wanna move on. 
I really do. 
I wanna have someone in my life. 
I really do. 
I tried my best. 
I really do. 

But sometimes people got to know, even when you try, you don't always get what you want. 
That's when you have to move on. 
To never look back. 

So just give me a reason, stop coming back. 
All you did, all the hopes you gave me, I rather not have it. 
I rather you be ruthless to me for once, maybe let me hate you. 
Because all this feelings you're causing me to feel, I hate it. 
I hate you. 

All I can do.

I think of you everyday. 
As time goes by, the more I realise perhaps, we are just not meant to be. 
But I guess being like that, being apart 
Is the best thing for the both of us. 
I still cared, I'm still right here and I don't deny the fact that I still miss you. 
But that's all I can do. 

Right now, you're just that one piece of memory that will always be within me. 
And all I need to know now, to go by each day to know you're alright. 
That's it. 

You're moving on so good, without me  
Yet I still care, and it hurts. 

For this past few months.

For this past few months, I have been good without you. 
I don't wanna hope, I don't wanna think. 

To whatever it is, just hope you are okay. 

You never did.

Just when you started to believe there's actually still hope. 

So you started to let your guards down, to believe.  

In the end you realise, you break down your wall allowing yourself to be hurt again. 

But this time, apart from the hurt, you stop anticipating. 

And as time goes by, I couldn't deny the fact that, 

you never did want me back. 

Dedicated to you.

Happy 4th Anniversary. 

Hopes and wishes. 
They hurts when you anticipated, but all you get was disappointments. 
It's been 4 years, and I'm still right here. 
Waiting, hoping, wishing. 
But over this 4 years, I learnt that it's okay to be disappointed, rather than to regret. 
So I'm gonna dedicate this post to you, of you ever have the chance to see it. 

Hey, 
We spent half of this year apart. 
Things around us changed, we changed. 
But you know, no matter how hard I tried, I always failed to distract myself from flashback of you. Memories that once were always the first thing I thought about when I woke up.
I always wonder, though things certainly doesn't feel the same anymore, does that conclude that I really move on? 
Because I used to tell myself, things ain't gonna be okay if we ain't together anymore. 
It won't hurt, you won't feel.
But that's isn't true! 
Even if you don't hurt or even if you don't feel that much anymore, it's never that easy to just walk away, when you still feel so much, to care so much for that one person. 
You will still go by everyday thinking why things ended up this way. 
Waiting for that one person, to come back. 
But they never did. 
So no matter how things will go from today onwards, I just wanna thank you. 
Thank you for everything, for those memories that I will never forget. 
For giving me those feelings.. 
For loving me. 

I wish I could be better, to be a bigger person, having a bigger heart to accept everything. 
If there's a chance to go back, or even, if there's a chance we ever get the chance to be together again, I wanna be that bigger person, to accept who you are and to make you happy. I will try ever harder to make this work. 
To make us happy again. 

I love you baby. 
Happy 4th anniversary to you. 

Remember those times.

Remembered those times? 
Where you will always be here, and we will always be talking. 
Those times whereby you will always laugh at me whenever I misspell a word. 
Staring at me while I eat. 
Waiting for me outside the toilet while I took my time. 
Know everytime when I know you're out there waiting for me, I was so happy. 
So happy to have you. 
Those times when you tell me how much you miss me. 
How much you laugh me. 
And how you will always embrace me, to keep me warm. 
These are things, that you will never forget. 
Not now, or even, not for a very long time. 

But baby I can't do this anymore. 
Because all I have right now, is shadow of all this memories. 
Memories that won't happen again. 
Memories that I can't seems to let go. 
I blame myself always, for not being that bigger person for accepting who you are then. 
I tried, I really tried. 
But I'm sure, you will be happy. 

Just one more day baby. 

For a very long time.

You know, you have been gone for a pretty long time.
I can't even remember, when's the last time I ever saw you
But the difference between the then and now, is the decrease of the number of times you ever cross my mind, even if that means I never did stop thinking about you.
You have no idea.

2 more days baby.

The person I've become.

Remembered those times when we are together. 
I realised I don't like who I will become when I'm with you. 
I love you, but I don't like you. 
We just ain't happy with each other, be it the things you like and the things we do. 
Perhaps it's just me but I know too, you ain't happy. 
That's why sometimes I really wonder, how we ever lasted that long. 
Tolerant? Patience? Or just ignorance? 

Towards the end of 4 years. 
4 more days. 

No matter how hard you tried.

If i wanted to go, i would have be gone by now.

If i wanted to leave, i would have left by now.

But there's just some things, whereby you just can't walk away from,

No matter how hard you try to forget.

Still right here.

Every time I came by their video, it never fail to always make me understand. 
Must have sounds stupid if you ever came by here and realise their videos never fail to let me tears.
You know why? 
Because I actually understand how come you like them so much. 

I'm sure you should be somewhere out there, feeling so much better than me. 
Whenever I stop making myself distracted , I thought of you 
The more I force myself not to, it keeps coming back. 

You left. 
But that's not the worse thing. 
The worse thing is, I'm actually still right here. 

Change.

Just when everybody tell you you changed. 
But all you could feel was you never did. 
Looks are deceiving, and you haven't been so sure in your life that you never did move on. 
Maybe just a little, but it's not enough for you to forget. 
It's been 2 days. 
No matter where you are, I'm sure, you must be feeling so much better than me. 

People change, but that doesn't mean they move on. 

Back to square one.

You left just like that. 
And the worse thing is, I'm still right here. 
Somedays you just thought being distracted was the best way 
But what comes after that is those harsh reality that you never did. 
And you never will. 

Waiting.

Perhaps one day I won't feel like that anymore. 
When that day ever comes, please don't regret. 
Because it's too late. 

To that one person out there.

Just when you start giving all of yourself to that one person. 
And then he left. 
So what's left then? 
Hundred memories following you around, having to be reminded all the time no matter what you do. 
Wondering, when.  When can you finally move on. 

Move on.

Eventually, people move on without you, it hurts but we all end up, one way or another, okay. 

Love.

When someone loves you, you will know it. 
If someone cares about you, they will find a way to be with you. 
If they do not, they’ll make excuses. 
Sometimes they won’t even be sure whether or not they love you, so you’ll see them going back and forth trying to figure it out. 
Love is not something that requires brain work. 
It is not a riddle to be solved or a mystery to be uncovered. 
It just simply is, and we just have to let it be, or not be, naturally.

I just took so long to realise, I'm the only one holding on. 

Eventually.

Just when you realise, everything you did, it's one sided. 
Everytime when you tried to move on, the best you ever reach was to try your best not to think anymore, to distract yourself. 
But how far can you get? 
Because eventually, at one point of time, things came back
And before you know it, you're back to square one. 

People always pretended, they avoid. 
How strange that you could love someone so much that it made you hate them or yourself, for allowing yourself go care so much in the first place. 
It's hurts knowing. 
Knowing that you still care so much, so much. 

Overtime, you just need somebody, anybody to tell you, you're better than that! 

One sided.

Even if we chose to forgive and move on. 
But how many ways were there to make amends? 
How many times did you apologise before the words just don't mean anything anymore?

Even after things are back to normal, there will always be flaws. 
Things that we used to feel, might not even be there anymore. 
Why the risk then? 
Regrets? 
  
Words, how little they mean, when you're a little too late. 

47th.

Like a fool. 

And I guess, it's time to finally stop.