Becoming somebody I used to know.

How you become a stranger in my life.

Why am i still so upset over it?
Why does the sound of your name still makes my pulse quicken?
Why would i still have the thought of taking you back in a heartbeat?

Some days it seems manageable, but some days the memories were so bad I've to squeeze my eyes shut in hopes that when i open them, it'll be gone. I know the self-tormenting is my own problem to bear, but why can't i stop this vicious cycle of constant disappointment and torture? The fact that you're gone and i'm alone, it's never a far thought from my mind everyday.

For only a moment some days, i feel serenity and comfort in those familiar scent, pictures, music, places or even simple memories. Truth to be said it feels good. But, then, that moment fades and I'm back to where i started months ago, the very first time i banned you from ever returning into my life again.

When you're mad or even sad, i always assume that it has something to do with me. Times when just because you ain't answering your text in a timely matter or is being particular quiet during dinner. It's funny when i recalled back to those times. How I've to go through my entire day thinking exactly what i did wrong, and just because i felt more than you, it hits me even harder. Even if we reconciled the problem and everything seems fine, i can't help but think about it from time to time and assume it's still affecting out relationship.

Sometimes I'm so aware of how I feel at times when something is upsetting me, I simply can't relax. Times when you're so good in burying your feeling, I've a hard time putting mine in check and they just won't go away. But what you don't know, is I'm hyperaware of what you're actually feeling. 

"Carrying the burden of your feelings all the time can be exhausting, but strangely, I'm happy I'm actually doing it. Because it makes me feel like i actually do care."

Social media had always been a downfall for my emotion breakdown because i valued your opinion so much and i tend to over-analyze problems that ain't even there. Even small comments, i can run it through my head so many time that i forget what the original comment even was and then it eats away at me. It bothers and annoys me and then I start to overreact on you. DAMN. Because of all this, all the time i feel like I'm the one that loves more in the relationship. I feel insecure all the time when you ain't giving me the same amounts of affection and worse, that you don't care.

Well. At this stage, I'm not sure whether it's a good things to actually know you so well back then. Things you've once told me, things i noticed on my own, things you did that i actually love, your favourite songs, perfume, even places that we had once visited or even walked by. Details that will permanently be etched in my memory. You've no idea how it is actually killing me now.

"Remember those times back in the cinema when you picked all the sweet popcorn out of the bucket just for me?"

There's never a time when I'm actually prepared to catch all these unexpected moments since they come by so often. It often upset me and i will it to go away. 

I continuously wonder why even after when i know the fact that you're gone, i still refuse to accept it sometimes. I let people call me a fool for staying when i got numerous chance to walk away from this relationship that obviously brought me pain. Times when i know perfectly well what is happening, what the consequences will be, and why it's bad for me.

"Why choose to stay when I'm so well aware the difference between someone who treats me like a priority and someone who treats me as an option?"

This is actually something i constantly asked myself. I can't control what i want to feel or not feel and all the time i beat myself for feeling too much. It actually took me a while to finally realise some people, no matter how much we are drawn to them, are not worth that sacrifice. But what to do when i often have this thoughts where after so much I've done, you chose to move on to somebody else?

All these anger, how should i channel it? It's not easy when i find myself slipping back into the old, familiar patterns, checking up on you, wondering whether you're okay, or worse whether is there any small glimpse of hope that i can actually hold on to that you'll be back. wishful thinking, i suppose. The aftermath of self-loathing and grief i exposed myself to with you in the course of our history is sickening. I never did learn my lesson.

After so many promises that things will be different between us.The quirky urge, a funny tingle, that little voice in my head that tell me it's never gonna work. I chose to believe you.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me the seventh time, what the fuck is my problem?."

Everyday, there's this constant hatred and anger that i can't kick and i feel stupid for even feeling this way. No one likes to feel stupid, so we blame our demise on something or someone else to escape exposure to humiliation. I used to think i wasn't good enough. 
I blame it on my daily paranoia, and over sensitive feelings when it comes to relationship. But is it my fault that i felt this way all the time?

I wouldn't be surprise if anyone ever suspect us of being good friends throughout our relationship. Did we ever start? Did we ever end? You tried but what difference is it gonna make if nothing changes? At the very start of our beginning, I already know, or even warn you before that what we had, if we ever lose it, it's impossible how we can still stay together, even as friends because having to look at you, it will be a constant reminder of the side of me that i don't want to remember. 

"Don't ever say I was the one who fucked up, because when i was suffocating, i kept myself together for your sake."

You chose to tell me bout it. 
I'm glad, because that's when i know it's finally time to stop 
And it's time for me to let you go. 
Used to hate how i always tie you in to everything i see and do, and I wonder if and when that will ever go away. But i just wish one day, when I'm out to the places we used to be, i wouldn't have to shut my eyes for all the memories to go away. Instead, all those memories will be happy thoughts that I will remember you by.
All I can do is wish you the best. Wish you a great, bright, loving future. 
Hope she will be the one that brings you what you want and need.
And, thank you. 
Thank you for everything you once did for me. 
I promise this is gonna be the last time.

Never again to be yours,

Somebody you used to know.

Regrets.

"Some nights I feel really awful inside I don’t really know what is going on either, all I know is I hate it and I can’t stop it."

It's just comes to this times where everybody's just leaving. 

And I hate how it feels like, when the regrets slowly started sipping in. 

When you realise you miss the chance to say goodbye.

My heart is crying, but what to do?

One big amount of sadness.

That's what you left behind. 

Be safe. 

"It will get better"

"It's sad how badly you wanted to try to fix things when you know in your heart you're already tired and they can't just be fixed anymore."

You said you won't be able to fall in love again. 

In the end you still did. 

But that's for the best. 

At least one of us did, 

and I'm happy for you. 

So this is how it feels like.

You fell in love with her didn't you

心如刀割

" 我的心痛竟是你的快乐
其实我不想对你恋恋不舍
但什么让我辗转反侧
不觉我说着说着天就亮了
我的唇角尝到一种苦涩
我是真的为你哭了
你是真的随他走了
就在这一刻
全世界伤心角色又多了我一个
我是真的为你爱了
你是真的跟他走了
能给的我全都给了我都舍得
除了让你知道我心如刀割"

Love drunk.

"I'm here believing a lie and it's slowly killing me. 

All I'm left with are memories that hunts me every night,

just because I chose to stay while you forget."

We leave pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love.

Remember all those times where all i do is over think?

"No matter what you said, i just can't let anything go. Because i'm convinced that if i just run over the details a few more times, i'll finally uncover some new understanding of the situation or it will somehow change the outcome. Even every words you said or wrote, to there's always a deeper meaning behind it and ended up making every situation about x100 more difficult than it has to be. No matter how hard people tried to assure me, i'm always unconvinced."

Remember then being awake past 3am has become less of a struggle and more of a habit.

"I used to have many nights where i can't sleep and all i could think about is you. When i have insomnia, i begin thinking too much. Times where you will just start to dive into memories that you normally wouldn't think about in the daytime. The feeling of loneliness is always the strongest at night because the memories eat at you. The hollowness just spread throughout when you realise you're the only one up hurting."

 When all these memories are just too much.

"The ache always sits with me. It's like i don't even have to be alone. The touch, the warmth, the smile, the laugh, it's all there. Even when you wake up, the memories just keep rushing in be it it's just a habit or a daily routine. Walking everywhere is like walking on hot stone. You will never know when the memories will just hit and you're just left clutching your hand with close eyes wishing it away because it's just too much to bear. Paranoia, another fear that seems to follow me everywhere i go. Though sometimes i wish, it's true. You never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory

It hurts when something good ends, but it hurts more if you cling to it, knowing that it's not there. People always say to stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it, but what to do when i'm constantly being stuck with the hopes you unconsciously gave me?

I hated you for it. 
And I wish you just stop. 

I was quiet, but I wasn't blind.

Know those days where you just want to voice out what you're thinking because everything's just too much? 

Yup. Today's one of the day. 

Over the years, from the age of oblivion to the age of prudent, when you reached this stage of life and realise no matter how hard you try to be impassive towards feelings, 
nothing seems to work. 

Even when you realise you're left all along here, that those feelings will never be reciprocate. The part where you always have to remind yourself that it's not going to go back to how is it anymore. 
Know what's the worse thing having to wake up to every single day? 
It's being reminded of the things you want to forget. 

I was the type of person that held only things too tight.
Unable to realise my grip even when it no long felt right. 
And although it gave me blisters, and my finger will all ache, 
I always thought that holding on, was worth the pain it takes. 
In losing thing, I'd lose a part of me too. 
That slowly I'd become someone, my heart no longer knew. 
Someone i no longer regconise. 

You can try to change things back to how they were or try to create things to be the way you want them, but you'll never be truly happy because it'll never be anything like how things once were. 

But what to do when all you've left is hope? 
To wake up everyday feeling the same, 
When the déjà vu or memories are so bad you have to close your eyes and wish it all away. 

Perhaps. We never did start. 
And we never will. 

Don't put your happiness in other people's hands. 
They'll drop it.
They'll drop it every time. 

Nope, not anymore.
I'm done.

Maybe one day.

I just hope one day you will realise and understand. 

If only you see the good in me and appreciates me more. 

But I guess if ever that day arrives, it will all be too late. 

Just when you thought.

"If a person wants to be part of your life, they will make an obvious effort to do so. Think twice before reserving a space in your heart for people who do not make an effort to stay. "
I tried to stay. But you're just doing everything to push me away. 

I can't blame you. 
Because what we are now, or whatever we are now, I don't even feel as though I got the rights to ever bother. To even care when you take my every words as a joke.

I stop when it hurts. 
I run away when I have no idea what to do anymore. 
Just when you thought being attached gives you everything. 
How you can just run to that person when you need them. 
But who knows it can feels so the opposite?
Till you have to find all kinds of distraction to make yourself forget that you ever need them. 
That no matter how tired you're gonna be, you need that little bit of distractions to stop feeling. No matter how hard it is, you rather not feel at all. 
You go out alone sometimes just to feel sorry for yourself. 
Is love suppose to be like that? 
Because people once told me, love doesn't hurts. 
But why does it hurt so much now? 

Please.

Don't make me expect. 
Don't lead me on. 
Don't leave me hanging and stop hurting me. 

During that night when I pick up your call, I should have known it will come down to this. 
I don't even know what are we, or what am I doing. 
I just let it go, as though this one month of dwelling, wondering, hurting didn't happen. 
How I even promised myself that I'm never gonna put myself in this situation anymore. That this is the last time I'm going back to you. 
I wonder how you do it. 
It's like one piece of my heart is ripe out, and it will forever be a part of me that stays with you, that I can never take it back nor to just forget about it. 
Because I really tried moving on. To try my very best to stop thinking about you. 
I can't take another heartbreak, I don't even dare to imagine how life's gonna be like if we're back together. The constant fighting, the constant tears, anger and jealousy I have to swallow every single day. The loneliness I have to feel, even when we are together. 
I told you it hurts. But do you even care just a little bit? 
Bevause I have no idea why you still want me back when you know everything's gonna be the same, that nothing's gonna change. 
Don't get why you even wanna tell me about that new girl that you like.. To make me jealous? To prove that I still care or are you seriously just confused?  Think about it from my prospective, if I'm the one telling you about the new boy that I like, even if it's just a crush, how would that make you feel? 
If you don't bother, if you still don't care, tell me, because I can't take this another time. 
I will always be a person with flaws. I will always be someone who can't accept that part of you even when I should. Because I will never understand. So think about it, because things ain't that simpler, that you made a phone call and tell me how much you miss me, everything will be alright because it's not gonna be. 

How I wish you could look at me at how you look at them. 
How I wish you could say those words to me instead of telling some people who don't even know you said them. 
How I wish you care about me half as much as you cared about them. 
How I wish everyday, you tell me how pretty I smile and dress. 
How I wish I could be the one, that you look upon when you're sad or even when you're happy because I really really wanna be there for you. 
How I wish.. You love me as much as you love them. 

To say the truth, sometimes it just feels as though you know I will always be here. 
But I won't. 

The last day of being 18.

Being 18. 

It was a year of heartbreaks and new beginnings. 

An age whereby people change. 

What I wished for back when I was about to blow on the candles of my 18th birthday cake.,

"To be happy" 

Things certainly changed a lot this year. 

Especially us. 

For the past few years, you were still here. 

But who knows back then when I wished for you to always be here, you wouldn't be? 

Who knows I finally chose to give up even when I told myself ample of times that we will work somehow? 

Those promises made back then, gone just a second. 

That closure that we both need, still uncertain. 

But comparing this times with all the times in the past when we chose not to talk, this time it feels so final, as though it's really our last goodbye. 

No hope left, no turning back. 

I don't know whether it's for the best, I just hope that the decision that I make this time, is for the best. 

We both have our flaws, and don't think I'm not hurting everyday. 

Because it hurts to be still in love with the one that you give up in, to be reminded of you everyday, to still miss you every single minute. 

The worse thing is to have those random moments floating by your head all of the sudden, reminding you of those wonderful memories that is impossible to be forgotten, even forever. 

Even if it hurts, people move on. 

They say it will get easier, but I don't see myself getting anywhere. 

Perhaps I feel better, not having to be worried about things, not having to feel anything about you, not having to care. 

But there's always this part or me that can't stop thinking about you. 

Wondering why ain't you on your social network, wondering where you are, wondering will I get to see you, wondering whether you are thinking about me like I'm thinking about you. 

You have no idea how much it still hurts. 

I can only shamelessly admit that even though I'm the one that chose to give up on you, I still want you back and there will always be this part of me that wish that, you are still gonna fight for us, fight for me. 

In the past, we fight because we know after that everything will be okay. 

Perhaps, not this time. 

Got no idea how long I'm gonna stay like this, how long it takes to move on but I hope this time when I blow out the candle for my 19th birthday cake, it will be a new start, maybe a new start without you. 

And I will still wish for the same thing,

"To be happy"

To my 18 years old self, thank you. 

Thank you for being in love. 

Thank you for still being here. 

Truth hurts more than the lie.

The truth hurts more than the lie. 

For you to see somebody else just like me, having to know I look just like anybody to you, makes me feel as though I'm just like any others. 

So why does it hurts when I knew? 

To even move pass it to believe your words 
I wish you never assured me how I'm still yours. 
I wish I can just walk away from all of this and pretend again that everything's okay, that you don't hurt me one bit or affect me that much anymore. 
One part of me hated you for even bothering. 
But no matter how hard I tried to hide it, I can't hide that feeling of relieve.
Relieve that broke my wall down bringing me back to square one. 
When I know so well, that I never wanna go back. 

I can't and I wish I won't.

I'm heading back to that route I took years ago. 
The only difference right now compared to back then, I thought I changed. 
But did I? Will I? Can I? 
Because the things that you did that I can't stand back then, I still need that big part of me to withstand those feelings that I don't wanna feel. 
To be that bigger person. 
You just don't know don't you?
You thought our only problem lies with them, but have you ever wonder, whether the way we act, or the way you act, is the main thing? 
That part of me that wanted to lash out like I always do.. I still can't stop it. 
And you have no idea how it's still driving me crazy. 
But I can't. I don't want to feel this way anymore. . 
No matter how hard it is, the only thing I can do right now is to stop being that person I used to be. 
Because then, you will know,  
No matter how hard you tried, things won't go back to how it used to be anymore. 

People never did change.

Back then when we are together, we have nothing in common. 
The things we like, the things we do, the way we act. 
We were just 2 different person. 
That's why when we're together, we quarrel all the time. 
But, the only thing that held us together, it's that mutual feelings we have for each other. 

Right now when we are apart. 
The things we like, the things we do, the way we act never changed. 
The only difference right now is that we ain't together anymore. 
And that mutual feeling we have for each other, I'm not sure it's even there anymore. 
Because people never change. 
It's always that part of people that we always have to accept. 
No matter how hard it is. 

You know sometimes I wonder, how easy it is for you. 
Because i can never do that. 
How I envy that heartless side of you. 
Perhaps if I own that part of you, I'm sure all of this will be so much easier. 

All I can do right now, is to promise, to never do that again.  

That big scar.

Just when you decided to put your heart and soul to that one person. 

When it ended, it broke your heart that left a big scar reminding you that, you will never be good enough for anybody no matter how hard you tried, no matter how much you give. 

How fragile everything is, how much more you will feel for that one person. 

Because you let your whole world revolve around him and you can never stop. 

To never stop caring. 

But when he start hurting you, that physical pain will never be as big as those feelings you feel, when he broke your heart. 

We used to fight, to that extend I was so angry with you, so angry with myself. 

But no matter how angry I am with you, I still care. 

Just like no matter how apart we are right now, I still care. 

Even if you moved on, I still care about you. 

I still want you to be okay. 

As times goes by, even when we ain't together anymore.. 

I still wish sometimes, everyday everything will be the way it was back then. 

We can still always see each other, that we can still go back to how things used to be and I won't deny the fact that right now I still hope for all this things. 

But I can't.. I can't do that anymore.

In the past I anticipated because there's still hope. 

Now, it's just waiting for that empty hope to make myself feel better, to remind myself to stop. 

You know I'm wiling to try, I do. 
You know I will give anything up for you. 
But I can't do it alone anymore. 

Memories that you will never forget.

Do you still remember? 
Those times whereby those songs you sing always mean something to me.
Those times whereby we're actually really happy together. 
Those times whereby a hug makes everything feels a little bit better. 
Each day as I recall many of our memories, there's no doubt I miss all of them. 
Be it good or bad, it will always be that part of me that I can never forget. 

I can't promise you, things will be different or it's never gonna be the same anymore. 
But who doesn't wanna be happy? 
I miss those times, I miss you. 
Perhaps being apart, makes us a better person. 
But if I have the chance to ever see you again, I promise you, I will be better. 
I won't be that person again. 

Back then.

If back then we tried,

Will we still be together right now? 

Will we be better? 

Happier perhaps? 

Will things be different?

Another day without you. 
Having to miss and to think about. 

Try sleeping with a broken heart.

Nobody say it was easy, 

nobody say it would be this hard. 

It's such a shame for us to part. 

The day I will finally understand, is the day I stop trying to figure out everything. 

Another day thinking about you. 

Another day wondering, when will I stop. 

Another day wishing, I could.  

You move on, people move on. 

It's that thought that hurts what you realise you're still stuck here everyday. 

Every night, I always find a way to make it without you. 

By holding on to the times we had. 

By reminding myself, it's really goodbye. 

Try sleeping with a broken heart.