Becoming somebody I used to know.

How you become a stranger in my life.

Why am i still so upset over it?
Why does the sound of your name still makes my pulse quicken?
Why would i still have the thought of taking you back in a heartbeat?

Some days it seems manageable, but some days the memories were so bad I've to squeeze my eyes shut in hopes that when i open them, it'll be gone. I know the self-tormenting is my own problem to bear, but why can't i stop this vicious cycle of constant disappointment and torture? The fact that you're gone and i'm alone, it's never a far thought from my mind everyday.

For only a moment some days, i feel serenity and comfort in those familiar scent, pictures, music, places or even simple memories. Truth to be said it feels good. But, then, that moment fades and I'm back to where i started months ago, the very first time i banned you from ever returning into my life again.

When you're mad or even sad, i always assume that it has something to do with me. Times when just because you ain't answering your text in a timely matter or is being particular quiet during dinner. It's funny when i recalled back to those times. How I've to go through my entire day thinking exactly what i did wrong, and just because i felt more than you, it hits me even harder. Even if we reconciled the problem and everything seems fine, i can't help but think about it from time to time and assume it's still affecting out relationship.

Sometimes I'm so aware of how I feel at times when something is upsetting me, I simply can't relax. Times when you're so good in burying your feeling, I've a hard time putting mine in check and they just won't go away. But what you don't know, is I'm hyperaware of what you're actually feeling. 

"Carrying the burden of your feelings all the time can be exhausting, but strangely, I'm happy I'm actually doing it. Because it makes me feel like i actually do care."

Social media had always been a downfall for my emotion breakdown because i valued your opinion so much and i tend to over-analyze problems that ain't even there. Even small comments, i can run it through my head so many time that i forget what the original comment even was and then it eats away at me. It bothers and annoys me and then I start to overreact on you. DAMN. Because of all this, all the time i feel like I'm the one that loves more in the relationship. I feel insecure all the time when you ain't giving me the same amounts of affection and worse, that you don't care.

Well. At this stage, I'm not sure whether it's a good things to actually know you so well back then. Things you've once told me, things i noticed on my own, things you did that i actually love, your favourite songs, perfume, even places that we had once visited or even walked by. Details that will permanently be etched in my memory. You've no idea how it is actually killing me now.

"Remember those times back in the cinema when you picked all the sweet popcorn out of the bucket just for me?"

There's never a time when I'm actually prepared to catch all these unexpected moments since they come by so often. It often upset me and i will it to go away. 

I continuously wonder why even after when i know the fact that you're gone, i still refuse to accept it sometimes. I let people call me a fool for staying when i got numerous chance to walk away from this relationship that obviously brought me pain. Times when i know perfectly well what is happening, what the consequences will be, and why it's bad for me.

"Why choose to stay when I'm so well aware the difference between someone who treats me like a priority and someone who treats me as an option?"

This is actually something i constantly asked myself. I can't control what i want to feel or not feel and all the time i beat myself for feeling too much. It actually took me a while to finally realise some people, no matter how much we are drawn to them, are not worth that sacrifice. But what to do when i often have this thoughts where after so much I've done, you chose to move on to somebody else?

All these anger, how should i channel it? It's not easy when i find myself slipping back into the old, familiar patterns, checking up on you, wondering whether you're okay, or worse whether is there any small glimpse of hope that i can actually hold on to that you'll be back. wishful thinking, i suppose. The aftermath of self-loathing and grief i exposed myself to with you in the course of our history is sickening. I never did learn my lesson.

After so many promises that things will be different between us.The quirky urge, a funny tingle, that little voice in my head that tell me it's never gonna work. I chose to believe you.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me the seventh time, what the fuck is my problem?."

Everyday, there's this constant hatred and anger that i can't kick and i feel stupid for even feeling this way. No one likes to feel stupid, so we blame our demise on something or someone else to escape exposure to humiliation. I used to think i wasn't good enough. 
I blame it on my daily paranoia, and over sensitive feelings when it comes to relationship. But is it my fault that i felt this way all the time?

I wouldn't be surprise if anyone ever suspect us of being good friends throughout our relationship. Did we ever start? Did we ever end? You tried but what difference is it gonna make if nothing changes? At the very start of our beginning, I already know, or even warn you before that what we had, if we ever lose it, it's impossible how we can still stay together, even as friends because having to look at you, it will be a constant reminder of the side of me that i don't want to remember. 

"Don't ever say I was the one who fucked up, because when i was suffocating, i kept myself together for your sake."

You chose to tell me bout it. 
I'm glad, because that's when i know it's finally time to stop 
And it's time for me to let you go. 
Used to hate how i always tie you in to everything i see and do, and I wonder if and when that will ever go away. But i just wish one day, when I'm out to the places we used to be, i wouldn't have to shut my eyes for all the memories to go away. Instead, all those memories will be happy thoughts that I will remember you by.
All I can do is wish you the best. Wish you a great, bright, loving future. 
Hope she will be the one that brings you what you want and need.
And, thank you. 
Thank you for everything you once did for me. 
I promise this is gonna be the last time.

Never again to be yours,

Somebody you used to know.