Becoming somebody I used to know.

How you become a stranger in my life.

Why am i still so upset over it?
Why does the sound of your name still makes my pulse quicken?
Why would i still have the thought of taking you back in a heartbeat?

Some days it seems manageable, but some days the memories were so bad I've to squeeze my eyes shut in hopes that when i open them, it'll be gone. I know the self-tormenting is my own problem to bear, but why can't i stop this vicious cycle of constant disappointment and torture? The fact that you're gone and i'm alone, it's never a far thought from my mind everyday.

For only a moment some days, i feel serenity and comfort in those familiar scent, pictures, music, places or even simple memories. Truth to be said it feels good. But, then, that moment fades and I'm back to where i started months ago, the very first time i banned you from ever returning into my life again.

When you're mad or even sad, i always assume that it has something to do with me. Times when just because you ain't answering your text in a timely matter or is being particular quiet during dinner. It's funny when i recalled back to those times. How I've to go through my entire day thinking exactly what i did wrong, and just because i felt more than you, it hits me even harder. Even if we reconciled the problem and everything seems fine, i can't help but think about it from time to time and assume it's still affecting out relationship.

Sometimes I'm so aware of how I feel at times when something is upsetting me, I simply can't relax. Times when you're so good in burying your feeling, I've a hard time putting mine in check and they just won't go away. But what you don't know, is I'm hyperaware of what you're actually feeling. 

"Carrying the burden of your feelings all the time can be exhausting, but strangely, I'm happy I'm actually doing it. Because it makes me feel like i actually do care."

Social media had always been a downfall for my emotion breakdown because i valued your opinion so much and i tend to over-analyze problems that ain't even there. Even small comments, i can run it through my head so many time that i forget what the original comment even was and then it eats away at me. It bothers and annoys me and then I start to overreact on you. DAMN. Because of all this, all the time i feel like I'm the one that loves more in the relationship. I feel insecure all the time when you ain't giving me the same amounts of affection and worse, that you don't care.

Well. At this stage, I'm not sure whether it's a good things to actually know you so well back then. Things you've once told me, things i noticed on my own, things you did that i actually love, your favourite songs, perfume, even places that we had once visited or even walked by. Details that will permanently be etched in my memory. You've no idea how it is actually killing me now.

"Remember those times back in the cinema when you picked all the sweet popcorn out of the bucket just for me?"

There's never a time when I'm actually prepared to catch all these unexpected moments since they come by so often. It often upset me and i will it to go away. 

I continuously wonder why even after when i know the fact that you're gone, i still refuse to accept it sometimes. I let people call me a fool for staying when i got numerous chance to walk away from this relationship that obviously brought me pain. Times when i know perfectly well what is happening, what the consequences will be, and why it's bad for me.

"Why choose to stay when I'm so well aware the difference between someone who treats me like a priority and someone who treats me as an option?"

This is actually something i constantly asked myself. I can't control what i want to feel or not feel and all the time i beat myself for feeling too much. It actually took me a while to finally realise some people, no matter how much we are drawn to them, are not worth that sacrifice. But what to do when i often have this thoughts where after so much I've done, you chose to move on to somebody else?

All these anger, how should i channel it? It's not easy when i find myself slipping back into the old, familiar patterns, checking up on you, wondering whether you're okay, or worse whether is there any small glimpse of hope that i can actually hold on to that you'll be back. wishful thinking, i suppose. The aftermath of self-loathing and grief i exposed myself to with you in the course of our history is sickening. I never did learn my lesson.

After so many promises that things will be different between us.The quirky urge, a funny tingle, that little voice in my head that tell me it's never gonna work. I chose to believe you.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me the seventh time, what the fuck is my problem?."

Everyday, there's this constant hatred and anger that i can't kick and i feel stupid for even feeling this way. No one likes to feel stupid, so we blame our demise on something or someone else to escape exposure to humiliation. I used to think i wasn't good enough. 
I blame it on my daily paranoia, and over sensitive feelings when it comes to relationship. But is it my fault that i felt this way all the time?

I wouldn't be surprise if anyone ever suspect us of being good friends throughout our relationship. Did we ever start? Did we ever end? You tried but what difference is it gonna make if nothing changes? At the very start of our beginning, I already know, or even warn you before that what we had, if we ever lose it, it's impossible how we can still stay together, even as friends because having to look at you, it will be a constant reminder of the side of me that i don't want to remember. 

"Don't ever say I was the one who fucked up, because when i was suffocating, i kept myself together for your sake."

You chose to tell me bout it. 
I'm glad, because that's when i know it's finally time to stop 
And it's time for me to let you go. 
Used to hate how i always tie you in to everything i see and do, and I wonder if and when that will ever go away. But i just wish one day, when I'm out to the places we used to be, i wouldn't have to shut my eyes for all the memories to go away. Instead, all those memories will be happy thoughts that I will remember you by.
All I can do is wish you the best. Wish you a great, bright, loving future. 
Hope she will be the one that brings you what you want and need.
And, thank you. 
Thank you for everything you once did for me. 
I promise this is gonna be the last time.

Never again to be yours,

Somebody you used to know.

Regrets.

"Some nights I feel really awful inside I don’t really know what is going on either, all I know is I hate it and I can’t stop it."

It's just comes to this times where everybody's just leaving. 

And I hate how it feels like, when the regrets slowly started sipping in. 

When you realise you miss the chance to say goodbye.

My heart is crying, but what to do?

One big amount of sadness.

That's what you left behind. 

Be safe. 

"It will get better"

"It's sad how badly you wanted to try to fix things when you know in your heart you're already tired and they can't just be fixed anymore."

You said you won't be able to fall in love again. 

In the end you still did. 

But that's for the best. 

At least one of us did, 

and I'm happy for you. 

So this is how it feels like.

You fell in love with her didn't you

心如刀割

" 我的心痛竟是你的快乐
其实我不想对你恋恋不舍
但什么让我辗转反侧
不觉我说着说着天就亮了
我的唇角尝到一种苦涩
我是真的为你哭了
你是真的随他走了
就在这一刻
全世界伤心角色又多了我一个
我是真的为你爱了
你是真的跟他走了
能给的我全都给了我都舍得
除了让你知道我心如刀割"

Love drunk.

"I'm here believing a lie and it's slowly killing me. 

All I'm left with are memories that hunts me every night,

just because I chose to stay while you forget."

We leave pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love.

Remember all those times where all i do is over think?

"No matter what you said, i just can't let anything go. Because i'm convinced that if i just run over the details a few more times, i'll finally uncover some new understanding of the situation or it will somehow change the outcome. Even every words you said or wrote, to there's always a deeper meaning behind it and ended up making every situation about x100 more difficult than it has to be. No matter how hard people tried to assure me, i'm always unconvinced."

Remember then being awake past 3am has become less of a struggle and more of a habit.

"I used to have many nights where i can't sleep and all i could think about is you. When i have insomnia, i begin thinking too much. Times where you will just start to dive into memories that you normally wouldn't think about in the daytime. The feeling of loneliness is always the strongest at night because the memories eat at you. The hollowness just spread throughout when you realise you're the only one up hurting."

 When all these memories are just too much.

"The ache always sits with me. It's like i don't even have to be alone. The touch, the warmth, the smile, the laugh, it's all there. Even when you wake up, the memories just keep rushing in be it it's just a habit or a daily routine. Walking everywhere is like walking on hot stone. You will never know when the memories will just hit and you're just left clutching your hand with close eyes wishing it away because it's just too much to bear. Paranoia, another fear that seems to follow me everywhere i go. Though sometimes i wish, it's true. You never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory

It hurts when something good ends, but it hurts more if you cling to it, knowing that it's not there. People always say to stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it, but what to do when i'm constantly being stuck with the hopes you unconsciously gave me?

I hated you for it. 
And I wish you just stop. 

I was quiet, but I wasn't blind.

Know those days where you just want to voice out what you're thinking because everything's just too much? 

Yup. Today's one of the day. 

Over the years, from the age of oblivion to the age of prudent, when you reached this stage of life and realise no matter how hard you try to be impassive towards feelings, 
nothing seems to work. 

Even when you realise you're left all along here, that those feelings will never be reciprocate. The part where you always have to remind yourself that it's not going to go back to how is it anymore. 
Know what's the worse thing having to wake up to every single day? 
It's being reminded of the things you want to forget. 

I was the type of person that held only things too tight.
Unable to realise my grip even when it no long felt right. 
And although it gave me blisters, and my finger will all ache, 
I always thought that holding on, was worth the pain it takes. 
In losing thing, I'd lose a part of me too. 
That slowly I'd become someone, my heart no longer knew. 
Someone i no longer regconise. 

You can try to change things back to how they were or try to create things to be the way you want them, but you'll never be truly happy because it'll never be anything like how things once were. 

But what to do when all you've left is hope? 
To wake up everyday feeling the same, 
When the déjà vu or memories are so bad you have to close your eyes and wish it all away. 

Perhaps. We never did start. 
And we never will. 

Don't put your happiness in other people's hands. 
They'll drop it.
They'll drop it every time.