Maybe one day.

I just hope one day you will realise and understand. 

If only you see the good in me and appreciates me more. 

But I guess if ever that day arrives, it will all be too late. 

Just when you thought.

"If a person wants to be part of your life, they will make an obvious effort to do so. Think twice before reserving a space in your heart for people who do not make an effort to stay. "
I tried to stay. But you're just doing everything to push me away. 

I can't blame you. 
Because what we are now, or whatever we are now, I don't even feel as though I got the rights to ever bother. To even care when you take my every words as a joke.

I stop when it hurts. 
I run away when I have no idea what to do anymore. 
Just when you thought being attached gives you everything. 
How you can just run to that person when you need them. 
But who knows it can feels so the opposite?
Till you have to find all kinds of distraction to make yourself forget that you ever need them. 
That no matter how tired you're gonna be, you need that little bit of distractions to stop feeling. No matter how hard it is, you rather not feel at all. 
You go out alone sometimes just to feel sorry for yourself. 
Is love suppose to be like that? 
Because people once told me, love doesn't hurts. 
But why does it hurt so much now? 

Please.

Don't make me expect. 
Don't lead me on. 
Don't leave me hanging and stop hurting me. 

During that night when I pick up your call, I should have known it will come down to this. 
I don't even know what are we, or what am I doing. 
I just let it go, as though this one month of dwelling, wondering, hurting didn't happen. 
How I even promised myself that I'm never gonna put myself in this situation anymore. That this is the last time I'm going back to you. 
I wonder how you do it. 
It's like one piece of my heart is ripe out, and it will forever be a part of me that stays with you, that I can never take it back nor to just forget about it. 
Because I really tried moving on. To try my very best to stop thinking about you. 
I can't take another heartbreak, I don't even dare to imagine how life's gonna be like if we're back together. The constant fighting, the constant tears, anger and jealousy I have to swallow every single day. The loneliness I have to feel, even when we are together. 
I told you it hurts. But do you even care just a little bit? 
Bevause I have no idea why you still want me back when you know everything's gonna be the same, that nothing's gonna change. 
Don't get why you even wanna tell me about that new girl that you like.. To make me jealous? To prove that I still care or are you seriously just confused?  Think about it from my prospective, if I'm the one telling you about the new boy that I like, even if it's just a crush, how would that make you feel? 
If you don't bother, if you still don't care, tell me, because I can't take this another time. 
I will always be a person with flaws. I will always be someone who can't accept that part of you even when I should. Because I will never understand. So think about it, because things ain't that simpler, that you made a phone call and tell me how much you miss me, everything will be alright because it's not gonna be. 

How I wish you could look at me at how you look at them. 
How I wish you could say those words to me instead of telling some people who don't even know you said them. 
How I wish you care about me half as much as you cared about them. 
How I wish everyday, you tell me how pretty I smile and dress. 
How I wish I could be the one, that you look upon when you're sad or even when you're happy because I really really wanna be there for you. 
How I wish.. You love me as much as you love them. 

To say the truth, sometimes it just feels as though you know I will always be here. 
But I won't. 

The last day of being 18.

Being 18. 

It was a year of heartbreaks and new beginnings. 

An age whereby people change. 

What I wished for back when I was about to blow on the candles of my 18th birthday cake.,

"To be happy" 

Things certainly changed a lot this year. 

Especially us. 

For the past few years, you were still here. 

But who knows back then when I wished for you to always be here, you wouldn't be? 

Who knows I finally chose to give up even when I told myself ample of times that we will work somehow? 

Those promises made back then, gone just a second. 

That closure that we both need, still uncertain. 

But comparing this times with all the times in the past when we chose not to talk, this time it feels so final, as though it's really our last goodbye. 

No hope left, no turning back. 

I don't know whether it's for the best, I just hope that the decision that I make this time, is for the best. 

We both have our flaws, and don't think I'm not hurting everyday. 

Because it hurts to be still in love with the one that you give up in, to be reminded of you everyday, to still miss you every single minute. 

The worse thing is to have those random moments floating by your head all of the sudden, reminding you of those wonderful memories that is impossible to be forgotten, even forever. 

Even if it hurts, people move on. 

They say it will get easier, but I don't see myself getting anywhere. 

Perhaps I feel better, not having to be worried about things, not having to feel anything about you, not having to care. 

But there's always this part or me that can't stop thinking about you. 

Wondering why ain't you on your social network, wondering where you are, wondering will I get to see you, wondering whether you are thinking about me like I'm thinking about you. 

You have no idea how much it still hurts. 

I can only shamelessly admit that even though I'm the one that chose to give up on you, I still want you back and there will always be this part of me that wish that, you are still gonna fight for us, fight for me. 

In the past, we fight because we know after that everything will be okay. 

Perhaps, not this time. 

Got no idea how long I'm gonna stay like this, how long it takes to move on but I hope this time when I blow out the candle for my 19th birthday cake, it will be a new start, maybe a new start without you. 

And I will still wish for the same thing,

"To be happy"

To my 18 years old self, thank you. 

Thank you for being in love. 

Thank you for still being here.